When I really gave AA a try was after coming out of almost eight months in two 12 Step rehabilitation centres. The illness of alcoholism had battered me physically, mentally and emotionally into a wreck of a woman with only a hint of a will to go on left inside. I truly believed all the lies in my mind and didn’t really know what honesty was. I hated myself, the world and almost everyone in it. Apart from one member, my family had all turned away from me hurt by my behaviour. Loving me still despite it all, they couldn’t watch as I destroyed myself. Only my mother still hoped for happiness for me. I could hardly even hear what recovery was about for the noise in my head, the noise of self-defeating and self-loathing self-obsession. I lost the care of my three children and my marriage had long since ended miserably. I was unemployable and only had a roof over my head because my family paid for it.
By some miracle my mind started to open and I began to listen and learn. My defects were rife but I kept coming back. I was welcomed and heard my feelings and thoughts shared by complete strangers. I began to believe the solution they talked of, might work for me. I was so very fortunate to find a sponsor who had over 18 years recovery with a deeply spiritual programme to give. I began to recover and get some small spiritual experiences. I made friends who were programme orientated, who were staying sober and doing service, had sponsors, who thought of others and had a faith. They smiled and laughed with me. They loved me as I am. They are still doing this.
Then my Mum was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer which was riddled throughout her body and brain and she died eight weeks later. My sponsor and my friends dragged me by the scruff of the neck through that time with love, patience and understanding. I grieved and struggled and through my Mum’s death I found a Higher Power. I looked my own mortality square in the face and after a while began to dream. After lots of talking with my sponsor and friends and lots of prayer, meditation and support I began to try and make my dream a reality. I went to college to study music and recently performed publicly as a singer/songwriter, for the first time in my life, to a packed room of almost 200 people including my Dad, my brother, my two older kids and my recovery pals, to lots of applause and hooting. I faced fear after fear replacing it with hope, faith and direction. I sang a song that night which I had written about my Mum’s death, her spirit, how she is still with me and my Higher Power. Afterwards I was told that strangers had cried watching my performance which I shared truly from my heart. This must be beyond any dreams I ever fantasised about when I was out drinking. I have the Steps, my group, my recovering fellows, my sponsor, my faith and my God to thank, for I surely could never have done such a thing alone. I still have a long way to go but I know my Mum is proud.
Anonymous