‘Surrender to Win’ was one of those AA slogans that used to utterly bamboozle me in my early days. It was on the wall at pretty much every meeting I attended. Yet in my arrogance I’d decided not to even attempt to understand its meaning – or how it could ever apply to a smart cookie like my good self. Contempt prior to investigation and no mistake!

And guess what? As a consequence, I kept going back out drinking – repeatedly. I would get about six weeks tops of so-called ‘sobriety’. Of course, the term ‘sobriety’ was actually a cruel joke at that stage in my life, a sad misnomer because this was truly terrible, white-knuckle, dry-drunk stuff - a million miles from the genuine good-quality sobriety I’ve experienced ever since that moment when I did actually surrender to win - when the obsession for alcohol finally lifted once and for all.

So what did I do to achieve this remarkable state of ‘surrender’? To be honest, I’m not entirely sure how it happened. It’s a few years back now thank goodness (and thanks especially to my Higher Power too). But this is my recollection of events.

I was doing loads of meetings, every single day, in fact. I’d joined a brilliant group (they’re all brilliant I hear you say). I’d got an excellent sponsor and was working my way steadily (and thoroughly) through the Twelve Step Programme. And above all I wasn’t lifting one drink for one day for oneself.

At this stage, my ego had been totally deflated after so many failed attempts at getting sober, courtesy of my own self-will. Or sometimes it had been an equally ineffectual mixture of my obstinate self-will and perhaps a few cherry-picked morsels that appealed to me from the AA Programme but that never worked of course. As the Big Book makes clear: ‘Half measures availed us nothing.’ Yet stubbornly I had to keep on finding that out for myself. I think I was convinced I was going to end up as one of those poor unfortunates the Big Book talks about, who would never achieve sobriety

But every time I did return to drink I always kept coming back to AA and that was absolutely crucial. It was perhaps the single most important factor in my recovery. Somehow I knew there was no place else for me. I was an alcoholic and if I continued to drink out there then it was insanity or (premature) death that would befall me. Either or both of those ferocious predators were waiting to pounce on me for sure!

And every time I came back I found I had been bludgeoned and battered a little deeper into the gutter. So now with my ego totally demolished I started to embrace the full package of what AA was offering. I was no longer a smart-ass trying to intellectualise away all those slogans - or any of the wonderful AA message that was there for free for me to pick up.

In other words I was showing some humility at long last. I was making myself receptive to every single thing that Alcoholics Anonymous was chucking in my direction and it was invaluable help in every shape and form. Each tiny iota was aimed at getting me sober. At long last I was doing exactly what was asked of me in AA. I believed the Big Book implicitly when it told me: ‘Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.’

Yet after a while I realised I still didn’t feel quite right inside - the way I thought a properly sober person in the image of AA ought to feel. I understand now that I still hadn’t fully surrendered. During the worst excesses of my active alcoholism I had been kicked out of the house but I had now been invited back home on a kind of probationary basis since my family saw that I was genuinely trying to get myself sorted out. I’d been ‘dry’ (not sober) for eight or nine months. Then one day after some silly row with my wife about nothing, I lifted a furtive drink. (I’d heard of course that resentment was the number one offender but that didn’t apply of course to a clever - still arrogant - chap like me!)

It wasn’t much I’d taken, a couple of units at most but within about 90 seconds of downing that poisonous potion of alcohol I started swearing and verbally abusing my long-suffering wife disgracefully. I literally couldn’t help myself. In the blink of an eye I’d been transformed from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. I’d turned into Dracula or a Werewolf (select your own ugly monster of choice from one of those frightful options!). Anyway, it was horrific and terrifying. I could not believe the dramatic personality change that I’d undergone. It suddenly hit home that I could not remotely control myself once I’d consumed even the teeniest drink.

Bewildered, I went upstairs to think about the implications of this and there and then on the half landing I suddenly stopped. There was a voice in my head - my own voice. It was telling me in no uncertain terms: “Do you understand Graeme? You are an alcoholic. You cannot drink!” And at that very nanosecond I surrendered. It was like a colossal load being lifted from my shoulders. The obsession for drink had gone. I had accepted my alcoholism. I was free at last! For the very first time I understood deep in my heart and soul that I am an alcoholic and that drink should play no part whatsoever in my life.

It’s vital that I reinforce this magical state of surrender every single day. I’m in a good solid group. I do lots of meetings (5-6 a week). I’ve been through the Twelve Step Programme officially with my sponsor but it’s also essential that I endeavour to work the Programme each and every day in my life. For me, the Programme is a kind of practical manual for living - as a considerate, responsible, decent human being instead of the self-centred drunken waste of space I used to be when I was a practising alcoholic!

It’s a continuing, marvellous journey - even with all the ups and downs that life throws in one’s path. And I can’t thank the fantastic Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous enough for showing this one poor unfortunate how to finally surrender to win!

Graeme
The South Group, Glasgow