It was September 2006 and there I was once more alone in my dreary flat. I had a couch to lie on, a television in the corner and an endless supply of empty bottles surrounding me across the floor. I had covered the living room windows with black bin liners to forbid any daylight entering into my little world. I was filled with self pity and the physical and mental torture was becoming unbearable. The only relief I could think of was to drag myself to the shop across the street for another large bottle of vodka. I remember feeling a tinge of dread as the prospect of showing my bloated face to the same sales clerk day after day was not a pleasing thought at all. His facial expression during the past few days had been a depressing reminder of the hopeless condition in which I had once again landed myself in. In the compounds of my muddled brain suicide started to seem like a welcome option as there did not seem to be much point in carrying on this way anymore. I had been here before and it seemed that I had exhausted my last chance of ever becoming anything useful in this life. All my attempts at staying sober had failed. I was a 27 year old man and destined to an early grave as the result of my alcoholism. I had even tried AA and it had not worked.

After a desperate search through the scattered bottles on the floor I managed to find one that was only two thirds of the way empty. With a feverish thrill I picked it up with my trembling hands. I cursed AA and their Higher Power as I lifted the bottle and the fiery liquid poured down my throat. It took some effort to keep it down but I was committed as I knew that only another drink would bring any relief and quiet the violent shaking of my hands. After a while I felt steady enough to venture to the shop across the street to fill my supplies and start another journey to oblivion.

As the evening approached I was finding myself in an increasing state of panic. I hadn’t reached the semi-coma like state that I craved for as I wanted to be oblivious to the world and everybody in it. Alcohol was not bringing me the relief that it used to. I found myself pacing the flat in a state of frantic confusion. What was I supposed to do now? How was I supposed to go through another day without the relief that alcohol had granted me for all these years past? A wave of despair swept over me and I felt truly lost. I felt alone like I had never done in my life. Before I even realised what was happening I fell down on my knees and I started praying.

I had attempted praying before but without any real conviction. That night I prayed as if my life depended on it. I remember saying to God that I would do absolutely anything to make this madness stop. I had reached my rock bottom and in this inner collapse I had finally surrendered to the fact that I was completely powerless over alcohol.

Something in me changed that evening! I believe that in my case the element that brought about that change was pain. ‘A gift of despair’ is an expression I have heard mentioned in the rooms of AA and I know that in my case nothing or very little could have been done for me without this complete surrender in the deepest crevasses of my mind. The walls I had built around me were supported with my ego and pride and I reinforced them with my self centred way of life. These walls were built so high and so strong that it was impossible for anyone or anything to get through until a heavy enough blow would be administered so that a crack would appear. In the end alcohol was the hammer to give that blow and I was the one to swing it. It was barely a splinter at the start but that splinter was all that was needed for God’s grace to shine through and give me hope. That hope urged me to pick up the phone and call a member of the Fellowship who had previously tried to help me in my brief visit to the rooms of AA.

Next morning two AA’s came to visit me and I remember them explaining to me the fatal nature of the disease of alcoholism and describing the hopelessness of my situation. I was told that without help I would surely keep repeating the same painful merry-go-round over and over again. They explained to me that when it comes to alcohol our behaviour is strangely insane and we are without defence against that first drink. If an alcoholic keeps on drinking as he surely will, without help the options available for him are pretty limited. Death, jail or locked up in an institution somewhere with a wet brain were as far as my options went. I would most likely create a grim trail of havoc on my path to these bleak destinations and in the end I would walk that road alone. Family and friends would most likely abandon me as it would be too heartbreaking for them to witness my self destructive journey.

There was another option available though, if I would remember to keep an open heart, be honest with myself and have the willingness to go through the necessary Steps. Recovery was possible for me also if I would want it and go to any lengths to get it. I was asked if I would like to go to a morning meeting with them. I remember feeling as if I had knocked the gates of hell and just returned and leaving the flat wasn’t exactly a tempting prospect. Although my conviction to change was very much real during that first sober morning, that devious whisper at the back of my brain had already started chanting the familiar promise of relief that just one drink would bring. Luckily, God had decided to put an alcoholic as stubborn as me on my doorstep that morning. That man knew that if I were to be left to my own devices the chances of me continuing my drinking were quite high, if not guaranteed. He understood the allergy and the obsession of the mind perfectly and soon enough all three of us were on our way to a meeting. That meeting was to be the start of my new sober life. Lots of friendly faces welcomed me there and although feeling extremely jittery and shaky throughout the meeting, it did me a world of good.

On my return home I prayed again and I thanked God from the bottom of my heart for giving me the strength to go to that meeting and keeping me away from drink. Another meeting followed that night and plenty more during the following weeks. I was also praying a lot as intuitively I knew that I had tapped into a source of power that I best not let go of. After a couple of weeks I had joined a group and I had a sponsor who was guiding me through the Programme of Recovery.

Four to five months later I remember walking back home from work. I had returned from a trip back home to see my parents just a few weeks previously. During this trip I had proceeded to make amends to the members of my immediate family and presently I felt absolutely great. I had talked about Step Twelve with my sponsor just a couple of days ago and I was reflecting on the miracle of how much in me and my life had changed in such a short period of time. The street that I was on was crowded with pubs as well as quite a few off-licences and as I was passing these establishments I started to realise that not once during that day had I thought about drinking. In fact it had been quite some time since a thought of a drink had entered my head. I could see the trail to destruction that taking a drink would cause in my life and I felt overwhelming gratitude towards my new found gift of sobriety. The delusion that someday I would be able to control my drinking was gone. I was able to see the truth about my drinking. The obsession was gone. The promises of the Programme had started to come true in my life. The Twelve Steps led me to the God of my understanding and He then removed my obsession to drink. What an absolutely amazing gift that is for an alcoholic!

It’s been over three years now without a return to drinking and to this day, by the grace of God, that obsession to drink has not returned. I have learned to live my life so much better than I could have ever thought to be possible. I try my best to apply the AA way of life and the Twelve Steps in my daily living. I know that by doing this I will learn to be less selfish and more considerate toward the rest of God’s children. I was told that the best way to show my gratitude towards this incredible gift of sobriety and better life that I have received, as the result of working the Programme, is to pass it on to the next newcomer. I have been trying to do that by sharing the message of recovery in the meetings and I have started sponsoring fellow alcoholics. My heart is filled with gratitude today and instead of that old doom and gloom, that used to be a constant companion of mine, life is good today. In fact most days my life is very good indeed. As a fellow member and a friend of mine likes to say: “What a deal we get in AA.” What a deal indeed!

Saku
St. Katherine’s Theme, Monday, Aberdeen
Back To Basics at St Marks Church, Aberdeen