I have struggled so hard to get sober and stay sober. I am 44 now and I have been in and out of AA, the college of knowledge, like a fiddler’s elbow since I was 28 - do the maths. I know I am not stupid - I have won most battles in life until I came across the ultimate conman - John Barleycorn, cunning and baffling. I have so much gratitude for AA. It’s the only organisation in the world that still creates miracles. Day in and day out, people recover from a hopeless state of mind and body. It pulls us back from the gates of hell. We have all lived the nightmare, our own personal journey - to hell and back - some more than others. Please do not do what I have done. It’s a hard life for an ‘eegit’ and it’s a harder life for an ‘eegit’s’ wife. Booze - let’s see what it gave me, the price I have paid and, more importantly, what price my loved ones have paid. It’s so true that we go through peoples’ lives like hurricanes. The amount of lives I have loved and just left for King Alcohol - a wife of ten years and three beautiful daughters in the 80s; a second wife four and half years ago and another beautiful daughter in the 90s.

It’s now the new millennium, wife number three of ten years and this time my first son - he’s so beautiful and amazing. I love him more than I love life itself. My wise sponsor said to me once, “Would you give up your life to save your son’s life if you could?” And I said, “Of course I would at the drop of a hat.” His answer was “But you won’t stop drinking for him.” Hence wife number three away - also son, stepson and stepdaughter away - King Alcohol. Three rehabs, prisons, lots of visits to hospitals of all types, geographicals - the list is endless plus all my loved ones and families I have wrecked through the booze. It’s such a selfish illness - me, me, me.

I am back at my meetings, coming up for three weeks, a day at a time. Last year I got the courage to ask for help to do it AA’s way. God put a wonderful sponsor in my path. He told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. We were going through the Steps and it was going very well. I was feeling great. My confidence was back and I was on the right path. Then it happened - Step Five. I balked and could not find the courage. Went back to the squirrel cage, back to the false world, back to misery, selfishness, blackouts - the list is endless - simply back to hell.

I am just keeping it simple for now with plenty of meetings, sober company, stop playing God and get humble. Back to primary one - time to start climbing the ladder of hope and, God willing, with action on my part a day at a time, I can climb the last two steps of my ladder. Even a blind chicken gets a piece of corn. Surrender to win.

Mick M, Craigneuk Monday Night Group