Some days I wake up and wonder how I got here. I am so filled with gratitude for what I have and I thank God for everything in my life but other days I find it hard to count my blessings when my troubles are many and friends are few. But then I remember I can lift the phone, speak to another alcoholic and share how I feel. Then I am reminded where I came from and where I am now. How easily I forget the hell I lived in before AA.

My life was an emotional and mental living hell and for me the only way out was death. Be it suicide by degrees through booze or the quick way by taking my life. Everyday was the same and I chased that feeling of ease and comfort I once found in drink. What had once been the medicine that made life bearable quickly turned into a Jekyll and Hyde. The booze became my enemy and I no longer took it. IT took me all the way. I was heading for insanity and my hope was that death would take me first. You see I had once been a nurse and worked in a psychiatric hospital. I knew all the pitfalls and I knew what awaited me. I also knew the damage I could do with a botched suicide attempt. Maybe I was too much of a coward to kill myself outright. Better to do it slowly with alcohol - I thought!!!! See where my best thinking got me?

Then I did have my best thought ever! My feet took me to AA and I stayed to hear what they had to say. Finally I had found other people who thought like me. Maybe I wasn’t the weirdo and mental case I thought I was. I was fitting in for the first time in my life. I felt like I was coming home. I did exactly what was suggested. I got a sponsor, joined a group and got on the Programme. Finally I got what I had craved all my life - peace of mind and my friends were many and real.

I was riding high and for 18 months I was in clover. I did all that was suggested and I handled life with the Programme of AA. Then I got complacent. I thought I had it! I wasn’t willing to work the most important Steps - 11 and 12. I thought I had this sobriety malarkey all sewn up. You see I reckoned I was unique. In fact I suffered from and still do suffer from terminal uniqueness!! It’s going to kill me if I give it headspace. Why should I pray or help others? My idea of helping was turning up to a meeting. You see, I thought I was different and better than everyone else at meetings. How wrong I was. I got a short reprieve and all was Ok, then my thinking changed, then my behaviour changed and then I was back in hell. Fortunately I was too scared to drink! I wasn’t going to meetings, I didn’t call my sponsor and I definitely was NOT working a Programme. Then the thought came in. A wee drink would make it Ok. Then God came in loud and clear! “No it won’t. Get to a meeting!”

So my feet again took me to the sanctuary of AA. My head soon followed. I called my sponsor, who was genuinely glad to hear from me, and I got right into the middle of the bed. No one even mentioned I had been missing for all those months. Just a warm hug and the best feeling of friendship I have ever felt. AA loved me back to sanity - again! Now I am an active participant in AA. I am the Roundabout Liaison Officer for my District, Vice-Chair at my inter-group meetings and I sponsor other alcoholics. And it works. Oh, and I joined two groups.
Thank you for my life AA.

Helen A
Hamilton