In 1961, just before his death, Dr Jung, in response to a letter from Bill W, wrote: “The main problem for alcoholics of Roland Hazard’s type was that they felt separate from the whole.” As a child I always felt separate, resentful and powerless. I was on the outside looking in. I didn’t know where I belonged. Separation - the spiritual malady - was the root of my alcoholism. I felt alone and suffered deep rooted selfishness driven by fear. I was restless, irritable and discontent, just like Dr Silkworth wrote. My life was unmanageable. I couldn’t mix with others. I was at odds with everyone my peers, family, police, neighbours and teachers - until I experienced the sense of ease and comfort which came from a few drinks. I believe it fed my ego and allowed me to overcome my lack of personality and emotional instability which the dictionary tells me are also symptoms of a sick spirit. Alcohol gave me an illusion of control. I had found the solution to my internal conflict. No wonder I became obsessed. Like our book says: “Our liquor was but a symptom. We had to get down to causes and conditions” (p64). I know today my sick mind was the product of a sick spirit. My state of mind is determined by my spiritual condition which, in turn, is determined by my relationship with God (Higher Power of my own understanding). Separation is fatal, that is why our book tells us: “when our spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically” (pg 64). The 12 step programme was designed to enable alcoholics of my type to discover (4 th ) discuss (5 th ) and be relieved of (6 th and 7 th ) the things which separate us from an inner resource which we presently identify with our own conception of a power greater than ourselves (appendix 11). Separation is fatal! When working with others our book reminds us to continue to speak of alcoholism as an illness, a fatal malady, and talk about the conditions of body and mind which accompany it (pg 92). Malady, allergy, obsession - the three aspects of my illness. In my experience the spiritual malady is fatal because it took me back to the gates of insanity and death without alcohol. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous at the age of 38 after attempting to take my own life because living without alcohol was not an option. I had known from the age of 13 that I was two drinks short of being normal. I remained dry but separate, scared and selfish for three and a half years. I was prey to misery and depression before returning to my solution: alcohol. Thanks to the grace of God and the fellowship, I returned to AA after only three days of drinking and eventually took the steps to overcome my spiritual malady. I am no longer alone.
Yours in fellowship, Tony, Priesthill Gratitude Sunday Night