Today I am so grateful to have been brought to this Fellowship of men and women. People who so willingly and honestly share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem. The common problem is a disease which, left untreated, will ultimately kill. How do we know we have this disease? By listening to others who have experienced the horrors of active alcoholism, identifying with some of the symptoms, and hearing how they managed to recover. Further, how they continue to maintain useful and productive lives as normal members of society. Not an easy task by any means, but the most worthwhile thing I have done in my whole life.

At my first meeting I heard the preamble being read, as I now have at many meetings over the years. The only part I distinctly remember is the bit where it says: the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. That saved my life because, although I had a desire to stop drinking, I believe I wasn't an alcoholic at that point. I knew nothing about alcoholism. I didn't even have the preconceived idea of old men in raincoats tied with a rope, drinking cheap wine in public places. I didn't know it was a disease, affecting me physically, mentally and spiritually. I had to have that explained to me patiently by recovering members of Alcoholics Anonymous. I didn't know what resentment was, therefore I didn't have any! I couldn't grasp the concept of one day at a time. At that point my mind was always racing ahead, anticipating problems and projecting the behaviours of others, and my imagined reaction to them. I was worried about coping with New Year; a death in the family; weddings; christenings; a whole fleet of things which were not even part of my life at that time, without alcohol.

As I grew up in the Fellowship I began to pay more attention to the preamble. I was intrigued with the bit that says: we are self supporting through our own contributions. At first I believed that this referred to the 'pot'. Also, in keeping with AA ethos each group had to be self financing and not accept outside contributions to keep the meetings - indeed the whole organisation - financially viable. This was the complete reverse of my work situation where I was constantly filling in application forms for funding for various projects. Indeed, we were very much encouraged to do so. How on earth would this work? Surely AA could have many projects that could be launched with the right funding? It does work, and I've seen it work very effectively over many years. It taught me that enough is sufficient.

The phrase began to mean something else as well. I began to see that the more I contributed to AA the more I got out of it. I did, to an extent, become self supporting with the help of members of the Fellowship. I was encouraged to take up service commitments, to go twelve stepping, to be part of the running of the group, and to become active in the Fellowship. That was and is a very important part of my recovery. It was my first step to becoming a useful person instead of being a passenger in life. It taught me that I could make a valued contribution to society, as well as allowing me to mature as a recovering alcoholic. I have had many ups and downs on the road to recovery. Today I accept that whatever is happening in my life is happening for a reason, whether it is part of my plans or not. I just have to get on with it. There is always someone at the end of a phone, or a meeting I can go to when the going gets tough. I always thought that once I achieved this length of sobriety I could end my days in AA, passing on my wisdom of many years to the still suffering alcoholic. Not so! There are many ambiguities in AA, and one of them is that the new person coming in the door for the first time can teach me more about this illness than most people with a considerable length of sobriety. God bless you all as you trudge the road to happy destiny. Every step is worthwhile!

CHRISTINA
Beechgrove Aberdeen