... fear ... was an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence was shot through with it.
Alcoholics Anonymous, page 67

The first time I read that line my hair stood on end. From childhood, continuing all through my life, that described me. Scared witless and as the illness of alcoholism progressed, so that fear intensified. Escaping from my feelings and emotions, running away from responsibility, family and friends, and in the last days of my drinking from life itself. I was unable to handle extreme emotions or feelings, until eventually, I couldn't handle any emotions or feelings. My nerves were on edge all the time unless I used alcohol to self-medicate. Then, when that no longer worked, I plummeted even farther into the pit of fear, only this time that fear had companions - isolation and despair.
Our Big Book also told me that I would feel loneliness such as few do. This was one more line I could so identify with, as I lived in that place for quite a long time. I was devoid of everything but self-pity, self loathing and of course my old pal fear, who was ever present. That was before being led to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous; before the people who were willing to pass on the message of recovery explained alcoholism to me. Slowly, but surely, day by day, I was helped by a sponsor and the Program of Recovery, to re-build/re-create my life and to mend the hurt and harm I had caused. I learned, through a God of my own understanding, to forgive others then myself, start to like myself and, yes, to love myself.
This wasn't an overnight job but I had made a beginning. I became willing to be honest, to look at me, who I was and who I could strive to be. How was this to be accomplished? My FEARS had to be faced! They had to be replaced with FAITH. I would have to maintain that faith, no matter what obstacles fell before me and no matter what life threw at me. My old way of stumbling through life wasn't going to cut it anymore. My dependence on others wasn't workable anymore either. I had to walk side by side with the One who has all Power and to rely on no other. Through prayer I asked for guidance and direction. From the quiet voice within, it was given (when I listened)! From the bewildered and confused person that I was (and still can be), to be freely given this wonderful gift that has changed my whole life and the life of those around me. To awaken each morning, not in terror and fear but with love, hope and joy in every heartbeat, is a miracle.
Thank God for AA.

Robert,
South Queensferry Thursday