Where do I begin to express my gratitude for the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous? The truth is, there are no words that would express my feelings so I guess I will simply try and tell you about my journey in life before I came to AA and what it is like today. I will share my experience, strength and hope with you for I believe that's how AA works and has since it all began with our co-founders Bill W and Doctor Bob. They discovered, as one alcoholic sharing with another, that they could live a day at a time without alcohol, so simple and yet so hard to grasp. Long-time sober members of AA told me repeatedly: "If you don't lift the first drink you can't get drunk" and yet I could not understand.
For the first two years after coming to Alcoholics Anonymous, having sober and drunk periods, I believed someone would tap me on the shoulder and tell me the secret of how to stay sober. I just couldn't understand and so I went searching for God in monasteries, churches, chapels, priests, monks and even my sponsor but I still couldn't find what I was looking for. I had a hole in my soul and didn't know how to fix it. My sponsor passed away and I told myself that I would never know the secret now. "So what now, God?" I thought as I trudged the road to unhappy destiny, as I was doomed and became very ill.
I became a frequent patient in mental institutions, taking overdoses, wanting and praying constantly to die, riddled with guilt and with fear running my whole existence. Suicide attempts followed, as did major surgery, depression, anxiety, panic attacks and agoraphobia, I became a battered wife with broken ribs, bruises and large purple welts covering my body and the only thing that I could feel was pain. Hating myself for not being able to jump into the river and end it all as my poor children suffered all the consequences of my daily drinking, my life becoming darker, engulfing my very being. I was still begging God, "Please dear Lord tell me the secret for I cannot bear the pain any longer, or take me home. Please, oh please Lord do not let my children suffer what I have suffered. For their sake God, tell me the secret." So there, at five and a half stone in weight, I was on my knees.
A doctor had told me that my whole body was shutting down on me and so I was doomed. "Not much time left now Lord" I thought, "So please make it quick, no more pain or constant agony in my mind, body and soul and Lord save my children." At that moment, my darkest hour, I saw my life pass by me like a drowning man and I suddenly saw where alcohol was the cause of all my problems. It wasn't the man I married, not the violent abusive childhood, not the mental institutions, nervous breakdowns, attempted suicides, major surgery, all of the pain was down to king alcohol, the shivering denizens of his mad realm. Then I realised that as I had been looking for God, it was not God who was lost, it was me.
Piece by piece, everything started to slot into place like a jigsaw puzzle and I wanted to sing and dance. I know the secret, the secret is God. I had a spiritual experience on that day eight years ago and have not needed or wanted a drink one day at a time since. Around five or six years ago I met the wonderful lady who was to become my sponsor. She guided me through the Programme of Recovery with gentle loving care and told me God loved me and that He knew I had been very ill and, through time, the pain lifted from my shoulders. I knew that for the first time in my life I was free.
So now I trudge the road to happy destiny with the help of my Higher Power and I know happiness, peace and joy. I am now, after three years at college, a fully qualified Reiki practitioner and crystal therapist and so many wonderful things have happened to me. I have been abroad a few times, passed my driving test, bought a house and stopped smoking - the list is endless. One of my daughters came to the Fellowship at the age of 23 and is now at university training to be a nurse. She is also a reflexologist. Before she came to Alcoholics Anonymous she worked in a small clothes shop just to get money for drink. This is not only a family illness but also a family recovery, just as I was told. My other daughter is suffering from this dirty, filthy, stinking illness too, though I hope and pray she will get well with God's grace and be shown the secret, for I hand her over to the God of my understanding every day and every night.
I go to meetings on a regular basis; I am a member of a group and am on the Helpline when they need me. I always, when able, put the price of a drink in the dues and fees bag. I never forget that my primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety and, you know, I just love it.
I thank God for giving me you people and thank you people for giving me God, for now I know the secret.

LESLEY
Newlands South