My name is Paul. I came into the Fellowship in November 2005 after 25 years of alcoholic drinking and drug abuse. I came home from work one day that month to find that my wife was seeing another guy. It was the final straw to break my back. I was emotionally and spiritually bankrupt and, on top of this, I was insane. I had not had a drink for three weeks when I stood at the door of my wife's house and asked if she was seeing someone else. She said 'yes', and the bottom fell out of my world. I walked away from her door like a dog with his tail between his legs.
I had a choice to drink on the poor me's and take the consequences of the actions that would lead to, or NOT to drink and seek help. I had a huge desire not to drink but I knew I could not do things on my own. I had a phone number for AA I got from a guy I was working beside on a building site. I phoned that day and a woman answered and I talked to her. She said she was an alcoholic and not had a drink for over ten years. This greatly impressed me. She told me of a meeting that night at 7.30 in Inverkeithing. I went and was impressed by the laughter and love in the room. I was so screwed up in the head I could hardly talk. I got identification round the room and was told go to ninety meetings in ninety days.
I got the second half of the First Step - our lives had become unmanageable - straight away, as my life and thinking was so unmanageable. After a few meetings I got the first half of the First Step as well, I realised I was an alcoholic.
Step 2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I was so insane when I came to the doors of AA, I was trying to control everyone and everything. If you had split me into forty different Pauls there would not have been enough to go round. I was insane but I saw AA people who were sane. I talked to them they told me they had been worse. They told me things would get better and I believed them. I went to over 120 meetings in my first ninety days, and my racing head started to slow down.
Step 3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. After about three months, a little sanity and sobriety started to float into me. My wife was still drinking and seeing another guy, it was too painful. I used Step 3 to pass the thoughts of her up to my Higher Power, who I choose to call God. I also passed my fags, heroin, cannabis and all the drugs up at the same time. I killed over six birds with the one stone, using Step 3.
Step 4 - Looked deep at the parts I played in all the harm done. This helped remove a lot of resentments especially against the wife. I saw I had been to blame and had started the ball rolling in most of the bad stuff.
Step 5 - I cleaned house with sponsor, telling all the dark secrets.
Step 6 - After a year of sobriety I am starting to recognise the defects of character. I am on Step 6 just now. It is not a race I will move on when I am ready. I still have an unhealthy dependency to people-please my wife, as I still love her. I am letting go, bit by bit with love, to the best of my ability. I have a beautiful relationship with my daughter Holly. I am trying to depend on God. The most profound change so far is my attitude of gratitude to AA. My thinking has started to clear up, and to clear up, you are what you think. A year ago I wanted to die. Now I want to start my life over knowing what I know now and using the AA Programme, keeping God first in my life. I owe my life and sanity to AA and the people in it and those to come.
PAUL,
Leven Tuesday